911 April 28, 2008
Posted by keekers in 1.2 comments
I’ve got to tell this story. Right now, it tickles me to think about it, but last night, well…my reaction to it was different…and evidently very, very scary!
Both my girls had friends over for the night. The older girls were in the living room and the little ones were in their bedroom. I was in my room. The house phone rang and when I looked at the caller ID, I saw that it was my cell phone. I knew it was the little girls playing on my cell. I called them in and had them bring it to me.
I went downstairs with it and noticed it was showing that I had two messages. So, I listened…
It was Arapahoe County Sheriff’s dispatch…calling to see if we had an emergency. She said that she could hear little kids gigging in the background…I about passed out!
As my blood pressure peaked, I called the girls downstairs…and exploded.
I played the call back from dispatch for them….and then played the SECOND call back from dispatch…
My 7 year old immediately started bawling…
Her little friend…peed on my carpet…
Then I called 911 and let them know there was no emergency (yet), but if there wasn’t anything going on, a deputy was welcome to come by and have a word with the girls…
It wasn’t three minutes when there was a knock at the door…the deputy came in and was actually very good about it. He knew the girls were scared and he told them he wasn’t mad and he wasn’t going to yell at them, but explained the risk they put other people in by clogging up the lines.
What was so funny is that earlier in the day, the girls had run over and gotten “junior deputy” stickers from the deputy whose in our area during the day.
So while this cop is standing in my living room, the two seven year old’s are sitting, wide eyed on the couch with their badges still stuck to their shirts.
Bring me to Life… April 26, 2008
Posted by keekers in MUSIC.Tags: Bring me to life, Can't wake up, Evanescence
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This song…true…
“Wake me up inside…I can’t wake up…
Save me…
Call my name and save me from the dark…
Bid my blood to run…Before I come undone…
Save me from the nothing I’ve become…
Breathe into me and make me real…
Bring…me…to…life.
I’ve been living a lie…
There’s nothing inside…
Bring…me…to…life…
When I dream… April 18, 2008
Posted by keekers in 1.Tags: breeze, children, dreams, hugs, kisses, quiet, regret, Simple, simple life, Summer, wants, warm, wishes
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All through my marriage, I would dream…
Dream about all the things I would have done differently…if I had really thought about it, and given it the focus it needed.
I remember thinking that I would have put myself in the environments that were at least on the path of where I wanted to end up…where I wanted to be in my daily life…If I had the chance to do it, again…I would find a way…
I would have spent more time in the mountains…tried to be closer to horses…
…and I would have found myself a small town man…Maybe even a cowboy…(that sounds so funny to me!) Someone who…well, that’s probably a different post. ; )
I had actually gotten myself on the outskirts of Denver, with a little piece of property, and great “views” of those mountains I longed for…my sweet dad built a beautiful garden for me…and I even got my porch…but as close as I was to the “picture”…it still felt so far from me.
And no matter what I did, the view from my life wasn’t made for my eyes, and so I kept them closed…
…and dreamed.
I wanted things to slow down some…to be quiet…simple.
I wanted to hang my sheets out on a clothesline, if I wanted…I wanted to see them blowing in the wind. I wanted to rush out when the rain came and get them before they got wet.
I remember a friend of my calling to tell me that they had just spent $3000.00 on a new washer and dryer…
I just wanted a clothesline…just a clothesline….
Silly…
I wanted to wash my dishes by hand, in that hot, soapy water, while I watched my children in the backyard, out the window over my sink. I wanted to see the stack of plates and rows of glasses sitting next to the sink to dry. I wanted that quiet but for the occasional clink of a dish…and the transistor radio playing on top of my refrigerator.
I want to lay on my bed under the open windows, framed with white sheers…and let the warm breeze lift them over me…
I want to be happy when this wonderful man comes in the door…I want to miss him…I want to open the door before he gets to it…and hug him, and kiss his face, without being afraid to let him know that I’m so glad he’s there. There was even a day…when I came so close…and a day that I will always regret… when, for a moment, there was a man…I saw him coming up the walk, and I forgot my guard…and I threw the door open…there he stood…this person who was becoming important…and necessary…
…and I caught myself.
…afraid that he would see all that I was feeling at the mere sight of him.
…the mere sight of him…I froze.
…and kept it to myself.
I want…
I want that moment…when I finally have the courage to go through with it.
I want to wear cotton dresses and go barefoot, all summer long…and let my hair dry loose and curly…I want to first hear the gravel in my driveway, before I ever see a car…I want to greet my friends from my porch, as they get out the car. I want my house to smell of something wonderful on the stove…and have everything my family touches be soft and smell good..give them that memory of “home”.
I want to get up every morning before dawn, when it’s cool and dewy outside…turn on a low light, and fill my house with the smell of coffee…I want to open the back door off of my kitchen, and let the morning come in through the screen door…and feed the yearly wild kittens the scraps from breakfast.
I wanted my children to run all summer long…ride their bikes, imagine and explore all day…only to rush in for lunch and with the slap of that screen door, go right back out again, until dusk. I wanted them to come inside tired, with dirty hands and filthy ankles…from laying in the grass, digging holes, playing in the creek, hide and go seek, kick the can…squealing and laughing…and dancing in the rain..and finally dragging themselves from the warm, soapy bath and into their jammies…and fall asleep without a care, but what to do tomorrow…
I want an old, one car garage, detached and at the back of the yard…and on Saturdays, when I’m outside, I can hear the low playing radio coming through the open garage door…and an occasional clang of a tool hitting concrete.
Yep, I’m a dork.
And I ask a lot.
I “want” a lot.
Too much I suppose…or maybe they’re just days gone by…
…because I just can’t seem to find it…anywhere…except when I close my eyes… : )
Apartment Living Snowman April 10, 2008
Posted by keekers in Looky here!.Tags: Apartment Living, Snowman
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We had lots of heavy snow today…so I built myself a man!! : )
Can you tell he’s wearing snow pants?
I “created” something!! March 21, 2008
Posted by keekers in Looky here!.Tags: beads, buttons, crafts, embellished, gifts, vintage linens
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Yep, I did! I made this little box out of vintage linens, vintage greeting cards (from the 40’s), and vintage buttons! The pearls and cylindar beads are NOT vintage, but there you go! I’m so dang proud of myself!
Gave it to my mom, like a 6 year old…beaming and waiting on the edge of my seat for her to open the package and see what I did! She responded appropriately…just like she did with my refridgerator art…you know the one with the flower, the sun, maybe a bird…definelty a tree, with a hole in the side…and some grass. If you were really clever there was a one dimensional house! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about either, your mom still has that picture.
So, there you go!
I’M A BLOGGER?! March 19, 2008
Posted by keekers in Something to think about....Tags: Blogging, child abuse, control, divorce, emotional abuse, manipulation, negligence, Sexual addiction, Spousal abuse
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Okay, so one of my cousins wrote to tell me that he had never thought of me as a “blogger”…hmmm…I couldn’t agree more. When blogging first started, I couldn’t figure out the point of it…who were these people talking to!? And yes, that last sentence was poorly structured…but who says, “To whom, are these people speaking?” I write like I speak.
Anyway…
Eventually, I realized that when I would “Google” something, I would end up on someone’s blog! After coming across these blogs, I realized that these people just had a ton to say! They were probably social butterflies and any opportunity to talk was a good opportunity.
Not like me, at all.
I have a couple people who know “much” and plenty who know “nothing.” I’ve been a bit…reserved? Yea, that’s a good word for it.
But after all of this garbage I’ve been dealing with over the past three years…I’ve decided it’s time to tell it. All of it! Ol’ Skippy sure has been telling some VERY interesting tales.
All this time, I haven’t gone after him with too much aggression, but now I think it’s reached that point where the truth needs to revealed.
I never said a word, all those years we were married.
I never let “one” friend know what was going on, in hopes that he could pull it together, and no one would know the difference…but that didn’t happen.
That’s my reason for “The Whole Thing”. To finally purge it…every nasty event! I probably would have kept it to myself, but he has tried to convince people of some really nasty lies about me and I’ve just had enough.
I realize now that he just can’t get over it, and his need for vengeance over my leaving him has him stuck and unable to move on with his life. He has communicated to me that he “will retaliate”, which I’m sure is supposed to control me and keep me silent…but I’ve been silent long enough, and for all the wrong reasons.
But this is what the abuser does…intimidates, threatens….and if I don’t speak out against the deceptions, I let him continue that abuse and that was the very reason for leaving him…
…to get us away from all of that.
Well, I’m divorced from him and now I’m going to tell it all!
And if it means I’m a “blogger”, than so be it!
Because it’s coming out, one way or another…it’s coming!
“The Whole Thing” March 15, 2008
Posted by keekers in Welcome.Tags: borderline personality, child abuse, child neglect, compulsive liar, divorce, emotional abuse, manipulation, narcissistic, Sexual addiction, verbal abuse
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For a couple years now I’ve been thinking of writing a book.
A book about “The Whole Thing”, and for those of you in my life, you know what that story is.
Actually, I started writing it about 13 years ago! At that time, I though I was writing a love story, but in the end it’s a story of abuse, lies and the realization that the one who claimed to “love”, is only capable of “hatred”.
Because the story is so unbelievable, I thought it might be good to get it out there and hopefully, give some guidance to someone else.
I know there are things I would have done differently…like not be so kind, or understanding, and I certainly would have focused more on fighting for what I was entitled to, and not so much on just getting away from him.
I think people would be shocked to know what is really going on in these situations…at least in Colorado (and maybe in any “no fault” state).
It has been an amazing learning experience to see how a liar can manipulate just about anyone. How the system demands evidence, and the liar can distract from that evidence. Basically, how the con is really capable of making a fool of just about any “professional”.
If it wasn’t so pitiful, it would be funny. If I hadn’t watched my children suffer as the result of an apathetic system, I wouldn’t believe it was possible.
But it is pitiful, and I have had to stand by and watch my babies fall apart…
For three years, now…pleading with me to do something…begging me to fix it.
My hope is to begin the story and see what kind of response there is to it…if it hooks you, I may just try to get it published.
“The Whole Thing” won’t be posted all at once. It will be a work in progress, so if it’s interesting at all, you’ll have to come back to get the next installment.
This will of course, be my rough draft, but feel free to comment. If there are parts that read confusing, please let me know, so I can correct it! I want the feedback! I need it!
If the courts won’t hear us, the public WILL!
I am going to change the names…to protect the innocent, of course. Unfortunately, I suppose I have to protect the guilty, also. I’ll have to check with my attorney to see what the risks are.
Maybe by the time I catch you up with the story, it will be over and I can write the ending.
We’ll look forward to that day, together!
I hope you’ll read it, I hope you’ll like it.
I hope it FINALLY reveals what has been overshadowed…
Pink Hearted Pencils March 12, 2008
Posted by keekers in I haven't been the same....Tags: bows, charity, donation, dumpster, freeganism, needy children, pencils, wasteful
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While out with my dearest friend, we saw a clerk from a party store pushing a dollie across the parking lot.
The dollie, stacked with two large boxes was headed toward the dumpster. Once at the dumpster, the woman grabbed the top box and lifting it over her head, poured hundreds of expensive gift bows into the large blue waste container. With our mouths hanging open, we watched as she tossed the now empty box on top of the bows.
She then reached for the second box on her dollie.
We were mesmerized…another box of bows?
She held the second large box over her head and turning it’s top down, unloaded it’s contents into the mouth of the dirty can.
Pencils! Hundreds of bundled fistfulls of beautifully decorated pencils.
My brain threw sparks inside my skull.
You know how there’s that one pen that you just love? The one that just feels right in your hand? It just writes smoother than the rest, and when you’re done using it, your paper just looks so pretty? You know the one!
While we were sitting there watching this horrible display, I realized… in that very moment…somewhere, in a lower income area…there was a little second grader sitting at her desk with her paper and her yellow #2 pencil, doing her work. And granted, her yellow #2 pencil works just fine…always has…but do you think for a minute she wouldn’t trade that yellow #2 for a pencil with little pink hearts?
The truth is, a pencil with little pinks hearts would just feel right in her hand…and she would insist it writes smoother…and when she was all done using it, her paper would just look so pretty.
But that pencil…the one with the little pink hearts…the one that SHE could have…has just been poured, with hundreds of others, into a filthy black hole. Because someone, somewhere, had the bright idea that it was easier to throw it out, than to make one phone call to a charity, who would then come and pick up the donation!
Well…I’ve never stood so tall, as I did inside that dumpster, and my dearest friend stood with me…and with the tossed box, we collected hundreds and hundreds of bundled, decorated pencils.
With every armload, I knew…just like my favorite pen…these pencils would just feel right…in all those worthy little hands.
I was thinking of putting a bow on each gift of pencils…
…wonder where I could find some for a good price…? : )
