Keeker’s Stuff

I am the greatest communicator …if I’m mad… : )

But if I have to initiate a conversation about something I’m feeling? Forget it! My head gets full of chaos and stop signs…

I bought the new John Mayer CD yesterday and there’s a song on it called, “Say”. And the hook is “Say what you need to say”. Simple enough. Unless of course, I try to do it…I’m good right up to the first word and then I start shutting down.

That song hit me because i really did need to say something to someone…and over and over I thought about it. It wasn’t even anything too serious, really… and in my mind, I knew exactly what I needed to communicate…a couple of sentences and I would be done.

And so I opened my mouth…

“so…I…just…if…well…the”

and on I went with my 1st grade vocabulary list.

I could see the words I needed, but I couldn’t seem to arrange them in a sentence, anymore.

I think it’s fear…of being misunderstood. There seems to have been a lot of misunderstanding with this person…and I needed to be clear…so of course, I couldn’t..

I was screaming inside my head…”SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT”

But here’s the problem…this person…I’m not sure where I am with him. Love him…?
…sure I do, but what that means?…escapes me…

I love having him around…where ever that is…close…far…closer is better, but alive is also good.

And from the beginning, my concern was that if we moved from being friends and it didn’t work out…he would be gone. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted him…gone.

So here’s what I wanted to say…

We need to either be “friends” or look at this. But I can’t have it both ways. It’s hard to say things when you think it might be taken as a come on. Or when I send a text to see how he’s doing, I’m always afraid he might think I’m chasing him. It just needs to be defined, and if it’s going to be “friends” then we need to stop kissing each other. Because I don’t want to worry that he thinks I’m angling for something, every time I talk to him

I need those parameters.

If we’re friends – great!

I can say whatever I want and act the way I want without concerning myself with miscommunication.

“It can’t mean THAT, cause we’re just friends”.

Or if we’re going to look at this, then lets look at it and see what happens.

At this point, I can’t be in the middle…I don’t kiss a guy because I feel like “kissing”…It’s because I want to kiss THAT guy.

…and being friends doesn’t come with the same perks.

…when you’re friends there are things that you don’t do.

…but if you haven’t drawn the line, how do you know if it’s okay to do those things.

So choose…you wanna be my friend? Or do you want to kiss me? : )

“walkin’ like a one man army.
Fightin’ with the shadows in your head.”